Acorn

Valentine?s Day should be renamed as something that more accurately describes the emotions most commonly associated with the abhorrent holiday. How about, ?Have a Date? Rub it in Your Single Friend?s Face Day??

Or, ?Be Sickeningly Public with Your Cheesy Displays of Affection Day?? It seems to me that no one really loves the day of love. At least most guys don?t. And if your man seems really excited about it, chances are he?s faking it.

The girls who love it are either a) romantic swooners who grew up watching ?Pretty Woman? and dreaming that one day their prince would come, or b) really excited to see how far their significant other will go to look like they?re really interested in a holiday made up by Hallmark and Godiva.

The latter is more motivated by an inner competitive vibe within women that says we have to give disparaging looks to someone who so much as implies that Valentine?s Day is lame, especially if another friend has a man who pulls out all the stops to show how much he cares. We ladies would never admit it, but having a loving and committed relationship to celebrate pales in comparison to the thrill of showing off a Tiffany?s bracelet and dozen roses.

I hypothesize that, if given the opportunity, men would dismiss Valentine's Day altogether. The true romantics among them don?t need an allotted day to show their sensitive side, and the others just seem to get stressed out over the impending judgment day. Because that?s what Valentine?s Day really is ? Judgment Day.

Guys spend weeks trying to figure out gifts that say ?I love you? but don?t say ?I am so ready to get married right now, please whip out the ball and chain ASAP.? I?ve seen poor fellows wandering the malls as if lost in a dark abyss of red and pink, desperately pondering if their girlfriend is a gold necklace girl, a silver ring lady, a flower wanter, a dinner date desirer, a stay in and snuggler, or a sit under the stars and ponder lifer.

For girls, we have a much easier job: Dress up real pretty and pray to whatever God might be out there that he freaking remembered and isn?t coming over to play Halo and order pizza.

That?s not all, though. Is a girl required to get her boyfriend a present? If so, what on earth could you possibly get a guy that both fits into the theme of Valentines Day and isn?t completely repulsive? It would be fun to give a guy a stuffed bear that says ?I heart you to pieces!? when hugged for sheer entertainment value, or a shirt that says ?My Sweetheart? in bold lettering just to see if he ever wears it, but a serious Valentine?s gift for a dude? Such a thing does not exist.

I have a few friends who recoil at the very idea of Valentine?s Day, claiming that it is antifeminist and ?akin to being dropped into a bottomless well.?

Some laugh off the very concept, saying ?it?s just like Thursday ? another reason to get drunk.? So good luck guys, hope whatever you manage to come up with is everything she dreamed of and more.

One word of advice, steer clear of anything your exes gave you ? now is not the time for re-gifting, and I watched a couple go down in flames last year from a catastrophe involving a mix CD. Let?s just say someone forgot the hidden and incredibly graphic dedication at the end of ?When a Man Loves A Woman?.

If you?re really enamored, awesome, more power to you. Get a fancy dinner, reaffirm that you?ve got a groovy kind of love, and enjoy each other?s company. If you?re alone, grab some pink champagne and let the good times roll.

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