Acorn

No. Oh no, wait. There?s more. No. No. God no. No. I have found my match in When A Stranger Calls. I wish that I could end the review now. After all, the word ?no? really suffices as all I need to say about this movie. But if you insist.

When A Stranger Calls, or as I have dubbed it, ?When A Stranger Calls Don?t Pick Up the Phone,? is actually based on a 1979 flick of the same title. After being grounded for abusing her cell phone privileges, Jill Johnson is forced to babysit for a lavishly rich family living in a mansion. There is some back story about Jill?s old boyfriend trying to rekindle his romance with her and some more about her best friend who made that romance end. But it doesn?t really matter. All anyone really wants to see is the stalker harass young Johnson over the phone.

As she sits in the living room, with virtually nothing to do, an event that continues throughout the film, the phone rings. And who is on the other line but a heavy-breathing sicko who wants to, as he bluntly put it, ?have her blood all over him.?

When A Stranger Calls is 83 minutes long. Now, mind you, this is an important fact about the movie to understand because for the first 63, nothing happens. And I do mean nothing. However, there is nonetheless an endless supply of ?creepy music.? Right from the moment at which young Johnson is drawn to a creepy back room of the house, the music starts. And what does she find? A black cat. This horror movie ploy, by the way, is used many times throughout the film. And not just with the cat, but with many other harmless entities. At first, it?s kind of funny. The audience gets all caught up in thinking that it?s the killer, covering our eyes with our fingers, when, oops, it?s just the maid. Whew. But this soon runs dry ? and runs dry fast. However, this doesn?t stop the director from using this decoy over and over again, until we start to wonder whether anything will happen in this movie at all.

By the time the killer does appear, we already know the big twist of this movie because it is given away in the freakin? trailer. He?s in the house. A chase scene ensues and, if you don?t mind my giving away the ending, then keep on reading, ends in triumph.

Who was the man on the other line? No one really. Just a stalker. I kept hoping that maybe there would be a little more to this movie than just a random act of violence. But no, it?s just your run-of-the-mill stalker flick. So basically, as all the suspense of the movie goes down the tubes, along with it go the audience?s expectations.

Camilla Belle (best known in my eyes for the role of the bright-eyed Molly in Annie: A Royal Adventure, but probably best known to you as Rose from The Ballad of Jack and Rose) is in no way impressive in this role. For most of the movie, she looks as though she is made of wax, and can not express true terror if terror punched her in the face with a 2 x 4. That?s right, punched with a 2 x 4. She?s virtually the only known star in the movie, besides the director Simon West (best known for the cult classic Con Air.) But even the staggering combination of the two of them ? please do sense the sarcasm ? could not hold this piece of garbage together.

Normally, this is the part of the review where I tell you what kind of person you?d have to be to enjoy this movie. But to be honest, I can?t think of any kind who would.

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