And the nominees aren't...

To Whom It May Concern at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:

You have failed on a level that was previously unthinkable-unless of course you think about giving the Best Picture in 1977 to Rocky over Taxi Driver and All the President's Men. We are disappointed and offended at your selections, particularly your decision to reward The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with 13 nominations.

For those of you who have not sat through David Fincher's most recent film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, we seriously envy those 166 minutes of your life that weren't spent rotting in a theater. We're not sure if we can impress upon you the magnitude of spending nearly three hours watching a movie that was based on F. Scott Fitzgerald's short story of the same name. Though the film is nominated for Best Screenplay Based on a Material Previously Published, it is more exploitation than adaptation. It's a shame, too, because we'd have been in luck if this glob of molasses had been told in 25 pages.

To be honest, 25 pages are about all you need to really learn just how curious Benjamin Button's case really is. Button, who is played by a sedated and dumbfounded Brad Pitt, is a man who is born as an old man and grows backwards into-you guessed it-a tiny baby. That's it. The end. That's about as curious as this film ever gets. Pitt, who stumbles around with childish naivety as an excuse for character development, never seems to change much-aside from the makeup-throughout the film. Despite the fact that he is old when his peers are young, and vice-versa, his life is as boring as all hell. This movie should have just been a trailer.

It's a damn shame, too. Pitt and Fincher have both proved that they are masters of their respective crafts. Fincher, who directed the dark and murky cult hits Fight Club and Se7en, is a competent director who worked with Pitt to achieve excellence on both of these two hit films. In Button, Fincher abandons the grittiness which brought his previous films such huge success. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Academy. After all, this is his first nomination for Best Achievement in Directing. For the first time, Fincher chooses not to assault society and throw questions in his audience's faces. Zodiac, his 2007 sleeper hit, examines the real Zodiac murderer, a 1960's serial killer who to this day has not been found. Again, the Academy did not bat an eye at the director. Benjamin Button, by outrageous contrast, falls more than short. The only challenge presented to audiences is one of stamina: can you wade through three hours of this typical Hollywood schlock?

As for Pitt, he gave one of his best performances this year, certainly his best since Se7en and Fight Club. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't in this film. Burn After Reading, the Cohen brothers' hit, gave Pitt a character which he could fill: His quirky performance should have earned him a Best Supporting Actor nod. Nice work, Academy. You nominated Pitt for his most bland performance since Achilles in Troy. He barely even speaks in Benjamin Button, spending more time just looking bewildered and shocked-like he saw some idiot growing backward or something.

Which brings us back to the issue of nominations. Sorry Academy, you're not getting out of this one. Thirteen nominations? Really? We've already acknowledged that Best Actor and Best Director are foolish, but Best Picture? The fact that 6,000 people actually felt that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was one of the five best pictures of the world is absolutely mind blowing. We've honestly checked the nominations on Internet Movie Database a dozen times because we cannot wrap our minds around that concept. Best Picture. That means Best, as in nothing is better, Picture. Meanwhile, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Burn After Reading, Doubt and Wall-E are left to sit on their thumbs. Wall-E managed to connect to people of all ages through an endearing tale of wonder and love, while still relaying a relevant and topical message.

So here's the new approach: Wall-E gets nominated for everything. Everything. Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, Best Screenplay Based on Previously Published Material, and Any-Other-Long-And-Obscure-Title-That-Obliquely-Categorizes-Cinema. Please consider these concepts, Academy. Not that these nominations and awards actually mean anything: When would 300 million Americans ever let such a small percentage of voters speak for the entire nation?

Sincerely,

Everyone Who Loves Movies